I'm Sorry

I know negativity is not good, but why do I still tend to choose sadness?

Some say it has a lot to do with a person’s personality. Some people are naturally not good at finding happiness, even to the point of ignoring the joy in front of them, and that’s me.

Because of this, I feel sorry for bringing unhappiness to those around me. I ask them to stay away from me, and, to ignore me. It’s not self-harm, but because I am not a bird of good omen.

I have been tring to seek happiness, but people say happiness is not something you seek, it’s something you create. Yes, but for me, it’s so difficult.

I feel sorry for losing the ability to create happiness. Therefore, I cannot bring joy to family and colleagues. However, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to.

Since the conditions are so real, I probably can only accept it.

So, I live alone.

Even so, I often face criticism from people. Parents often blame their son for being introverted, friends subtly or intentionally complain that I’m not generous enough, and colleagues always seem to say, ‘Look at this person, he’s so quiet, so dull, so strange.’

This is indeed my fault. No one likes such a terrible person, and I am no exception. I hate myself, and I often blame myself internally. It’s a pretty bad psychological experience that makes me break down and feel lost.

I want to tell people around me that I am not numb to being this terrible person; on the contrary, I hate myself a lot.

I grew up on the wrong path, and I regret that I still haven’t been able to climb out of that dark and long tunnel with my own strength. I understand; this is also my fault.

Therefore, I chose to live alone. No, it’s not a choice; it’s the path arranged for me by the heavens, and I can only do this.

I’m sorry.